was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
