i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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