Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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