I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
