Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
