guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
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