but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Dicks are not precious.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
