if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
