hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
