that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
