I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
