i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
