Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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