I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
