Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
