Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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