I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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