I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
