His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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