My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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