dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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