Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
