I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
