I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
