You're so nebulous sometimes
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
