My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
