Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Randomize
