Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I am available for nakedness
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