I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
