you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Randomize
