She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
His hands were made for my vagina.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
