census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
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