Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
