the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
