apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
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