There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Sorry about my life...
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
