Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
