my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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