WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
