I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
