I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
