Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
