Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
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