Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
