dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
