I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
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