im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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