Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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