we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
