There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
