yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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