I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
