I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
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