awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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